Disappointment...

All my life I've had this secret dream
That one day I'd be able to come to you
And say "look, see the success I've become."
And you'd look at me with tears in your eyes
And tell me that you're proud of me.
That I'm not a failure.
That I'm not such a disappointment
To you.

What you said to me still haunts the
Hell out of me.
Throwing those words out there that
You can't take back
And you walked away with my heart
Stuck to the bottom of your shoe

It will take time
But I'll get there...
I'll find a way to make my
Life into something.
And when I do
Don't bother with the words
I know I'll never hear from you.
They won't mean a thing to me

Not anymore.

Where Does It Go?

Where do dreams go
When they don't come to fruitiion?
Do they stay teathered to you
Like demon's that haunt you
In the night...


They claw at me like
A rabid beast
Alive inside me trying
To tear me into
Even more pieces
Than I already hold
Inside...


I've never been very good
At puzzles... and I...
The glue isn't holding me
Together anymore...

Rumors, Innuendo, and Other Such Bull~Shit...

I'm getting very tired
So very tired of all the
Rumors that float
On my breeze
Like birds in flight
Going everywhere
But nowhere.

So fucking tired
Of feeling you all 
Branding me
With your white hot
Irons that wrap themselves
Around my heart
Like the magnifying glass
That I've been under for so long
Has finally set me ablaze.

So what am I today?
Fat slut?
Pill-popper?
Pincushion?
Think what you will
I've given up on caring
About anyone's opinion but
My own...

I'm just tired of dealing
With people who's lies
Drip sweetly from their lips
Like the blood from the pound
Of flesh they've taken from me.

If you've got a problem with me
Or the way I'm trying to
Live Again..
Then by all means...
Post your response after
The Beep....
...
...

High School Games...

I graduated in 1998.
I left school without looking back
Without a pause and with the certainty
That all the B.S. that I used to deal with
Was all behind me.


So why do I feel like 12 years later
I'm right fucking back there.
I'm sitting in Mr. Pangburn's 2nd Period
Social Studies Class and I'm hearing
The rumor's that were neatly
Told directly behind my back
If possible.


I'd just like to let you all know
I'M NOT FUCKING PLAYING
YOUR HIGH SCHOOL GAMES
Not anymore.
This he said, she said shit
Is really getting old.
How old are you???


I'm trying to line the pieces up.
Trying to make my life what I
Want it to be.
Not what you think it should be.


You seem to forget that I'm
No longer under your control.
Not that I ever was.
It's my turn now.
My turn to finally find who and what
I am.
To finally see...
Who I'm meant to be.


So I guess I'm trying to say...
I left high schoo behind 12 years.
And I refuse to look back.

Depressed

They say that I’m depressed. They say that inside of me
I’m wrong
I’m broken
I’m bruised
And they wonder why.


They put me in the spotlight
They say look at her
While they hide their knuckles
Behind their backs


Their words are double intended
While their lies
Drip sweetly
From their lips

Dear Momma

Hello there mom, can you hear me?
I’m already on my way…
I’m sorry daddy I know you don’t
Wanna hear the words I’ll say…

I’ve messed it up again…
Just didn’t work out some how…
So here I am and I’m on my way
I’m ready to lay it out

I guess I’m broken inside
Way deep down where it counts
And nothing I try ever takes the time
And I’m saying please just count me out…

I’m falling down
The rabbit hole
Going back to where you go
When you know you can’t go home.

I’ve burned it down
And now I’m choking on the ashes
Of a life that never made me proud
I guess it’s over…. Count me out.

So hey there mom… I love you so
I’m sorry this call came much too late
To save me from myself
To save me for myself

I’m falling down
The rabbit hole
Trying not to land face down
Going back to where you go
When you know you can’t go home…
When you know you can’t go home…

Mark

I'm so tired...
Tired of losing those I love
Tired of being misunderstood.
Tired of it all.

He was so good to me
He'd call and shoot the shit
With me and we seemed to
Click

I can't seem to stop thinking of him.
Especially when the phone rings and
It's not him on the line.
The pain, the agony he faced daily
And he'd laugh. 
He'd find joy in his family

Years of pain never seemed to dull
The spirit of the man.
I wasn't able, due to the circumstances,
To come see you and tell you that I
Loved you before you left.

I guess this is my ode to you...
The only way I can say goodbye.
I won't be allowed at your services,
But I will be there in spirit.

Watching from the outside in...
There is one thing that showed
Just how much you were loved...
I watched your family.  I saw
The way they loved you...

Very simply... I'd like to say that I love you.
You will be greatly missed.