I just finished reading.
Finished reading letters.
Letters from loved ones.
Loved ones that wrote to me
Almost 5 years ago.
When I locked myself away.
So I could heal.
Today's his Birthday.
I won't forget that.
We spent 10 of his birthdays
Together.
But I'll also rememeber
The situation that got me
Where I am today.
But in reading those letters from him
I have to say that I'm a little shaken right now.
I had someone who loved me without reservation.. without pause.
Someone who would have killed himself should I have asked for it.
And now when I'm sitting here mourning the loss of someone else,
Someone who obviously wants nothing to do with me anymore.
Who cringes when I touch him. Who refuses to try to fix all
That went wrong.
Two sides of a coin these two.
One who knew me inside and out and one who only
Pretended to want to.
One who knew how to be a man for his family
One who was too wrapped up in his own hell to
Make it right.
One who used his fists in anger at times
One who made me feel safe.
One who I had to stop loving for the
Sake of myself and my child...
One who's love I crave like I've never
Craved before.
I could go on and on.
There is honestly no
Comparison between the two,
But you know what?
I can't tell you why I can't
Stop thinking about the both of them.
I have one who I could work things out with if
I stopped living in reality
And I have the other...
Who claims to love me so much
That he hates me.
But I wouldn't trade all this pain,
For anything... I've learned so much from
All this. I know I can survive
Loosing so much.
But I'm still fucked up and floundering.
Which is what I'm used to.
But I'm tired
So tired of feeling like this.
11/11/09
Whaat's Wrong Here???
So here I sit.
One more night
Spent alone.
I'm tired.
Tired of feeling like
There's something wrong
Inside me.
Something Broken.
Something living my life
For me.
I sit here alone
With the guilt I
Carry inside me.
It feels like a living
Breathing thing.
It's like I'm followed
By a snarling, angry beast
That I can't train to
Behave.
So who do I have to be now?
When everything else has gone
Away?
I just checked the time
And I realized...
It's about half-past
Give a shit.
One more night
Spent alone.
I'm tired.
Tired of feeling like
There's something wrong
Inside me.
Something Broken.
Something living my life
For me.
I sit here alone
With the guilt I
Carry inside me.
It feels like a living
Breathing thing.
It's like I'm followed
By a snarling, angry beast
That I can't train to
Behave.
So who do I have to be now?
When everything else has gone
Away?
I just checked the time
And I realized...
It's about half-past
Give a shit.
11/8/09
Letter to an Unknown Soldier....
Inconsequential things…
The way you laughed,
The way you’d sigh
The way you’d smile.
I’ll remember it all.
The way you’d jump to make right
Any injustice you saw.
Seemed only right
Somehow…
So off you went to fight.
You went into hell
You went into the fire
You fearlessly fought
For another man’s desire
You tried to make right,
What wasn’t right from the start…
So goodbye soldier
Goodbye daddy to be
Goodbye eyes
That only saw good in me.
Goodbye shoulders
So strong So brave
Goodbye to one more hero
Too young for the grave.
It just isn’t fair
That you’ll never hold your daughter
She’ll know you only by photo’s
By my memoriesAnd the dog tag’s
They sent back home…
Laying somewhere a million miles away
Never to look into the eyes,
So much like your own…
So much like your own.
And this is the injustice
You can’t fight at all…
Now you can’t fight at all…
The way you laughed,
The way you’d sigh
The way you’d smile.
I’ll remember it all.
The way you’d jump to make right
Any injustice you saw.
Seemed only right
Somehow…
So off you went to fight.
You went into hell
You went into the fire
You fearlessly fought
For another man’s desire
You tried to make right,
What wasn’t right from the start…
So goodbye soldier
Goodbye daddy to be
Goodbye eyes
That only saw good in me.
Goodbye shoulders
So strong So brave
Goodbye to one more hero
Too young for the grave.
It just isn’t fair
That you’ll never hold your daughter
She’ll know you only by photo’s
By my memoriesAnd the dog tag’s
They sent back home…
Laying somewhere a million miles away
Never to look into the eyes,
So much like your own…
So much like your own.
And this is the injustice
You can’t fight at all…
Now you can’t fight at all…
Never Enough...
Where does it end?
I’m so tired of feeling like
I’m not really in here…
Like my skin’s too tight to hold me in and
I’m just going to come pouring out at any moment…
You see, in many ways,
I’m still there.
Still finding solace in the slender vial of heroin.
Pushing the pain away and plunging myself further into heartache….
Where does it end?This incessant waiting for the day that
I stop craving.
The day I finally come back to myself, l
Lke a prisoner finally set free.
Like nothing I do really matters in the long run…
I was supposed to matter.
I was supposed to be the someone everyone talked about.
The someone little girls wished they’d grow up to be just like
And now I’m not even proud of me
Now I just wish I’d disappear…
How to other people overcome this?
I haven’t touched heroin in almost five years
Others call that an achievement,
I just call it cowardiceI’m just afraid of what
I’ll become if I slip back into oblivion…
Damn it, I wanted to be proud.
Wanted my girls, the only ones who matter,
To look up at me and be proud of something other
Than my ability to abstain from the drug
I wanted to be their heroine..
But all I am is lost.
All I am is me,
Not enough for anyone…
I’m so tired of feeling like
I’m not really in here…
Like my skin’s too tight to hold me in and
I’m just going to come pouring out at any moment…
You see, in many ways,
I’m still there.
Still finding solace in the slender vial of heroin.
Pushing the pain away and plunging myself further into heartache….
Where does it end?This incessant waiting for the day that
I stop craving.
The day I finally come back to myself, l
Lke a prisoner finally set free.
Like nothing I do really matters in the long run…
I was supposed to matter.
I was supposed to be the someone everyone talked about.
The someone little girls wished they’d grow up to be just like
And now I’m not even proud of me
Now I just wish I’d disappear…
How to other people overcome this?
I haven’t touched heroin in almost five years
Others call that an achievement,
I just call it cowardiceI’m just afraid of what
I’ll become if I slip back into oblivion…
Damn it, I wanted to be proud.
Wanted my girls, the only ones who matter,
To look up at me and be proud of something other
Than my ability to abstain from the drug
I wanted to be their heroine..
But all I am is lost.
All I am is me,
Not enough for anyone…
Your Favorite Scapegoat
Somewhere lies the child
I never got to be.
Somewhere hides the darkness
Just waiting to be free
Just like a cancer
I've killed it all
All that’s good in me
Where I’ve been
What I’ve done
Who I’ve had to be
Just lies, all lies
All there is to me
Burrow deeper under the skin
I’ll never be clean
It sits there on the surface
It’s all that anyone sees.
No matter how hard I scream
No matter how red I bleed
All that you ever cared to see
Is what you tried to make of me
Always so damn wrong.
Always the one at fault
Always your favorite scapegoat
Always your favorite scapegoat
I never got to be.
Somewhere hides the darkness
Just waiting to be free
Just like a cancer
I've killed it all
All that’s good in me
Where I’ve been
What I’ve done
Who I’ve had to be
Just lies, all lies
All there is to me
Burrow deeper under the skin
I’ll never be clean
It sits there on the surface
It’s all that anyone sees.
No matter how hard I scream
No matter how red I bleed
All that you ever cared to see
Is what you tried to make of me
Always so damn wrong.
Always the one at fault
Always your favorite scapegoat
Always your favorite scapegoat
The Pursuit of Happiness...
I'm as empty as a woman can get.
All tied up, fucked up inside
Anger blinding me to the truth
Your scathing superiority,
Your trigger, my gun
I feel it burning in me all the time...
The rage I can't set free
The lies that compound me
The lies that compel me
To do something
I must avoid
I try to be un-caring
I try to just ignore
I try make you understand
With the silence in my words.
I need to release this anger
Somewhere
Somehow
I need to make you understand
You've killed my every single vow.
Your hipocracy astounds me
Your not anyone I know
I hope you find the happiness
You've killed me to obtain.
All tied up, fucked up inside
Anger blinding me to the truth
Your scathing superiority,
Your trigger, my gun
I feel it burning in me all the time...
The rage I can't set free
The lies that compound me
The lies that compel me
To do something
I must avoid
I try to be un-caring
I try to just ignore
I try make you understand
With the silence in my words.
I need to release this anger
Somewhere
Somehow
I need to make you understand
You've killed my every single vow.
Your hipocracy astounds me
Your not anyone I know
I hope you find the happiness
You've killed me to obtain.
Too Much
There's too much life out there.
There's so much pain.
Pain that lingers on everyone.
Pain I can't contain.
I'm so damn tired
Tired of playing nice
Tired of always finding the one
Who learns how to play me
Pulling my strings
I'll never be that girl again.
The girl that bends
Sweetly at the waist
And takes it up the ass
You'll never know
Who's really in here
Never see the empty shell
I really thought you'd free
I really thought you'd be
But I, We were too much for you...
There's so much pain.
Pain that lingers on everyone.
Pain I can't contain.
I'm so damn tired
Tired of playing nice
Tired of always finding the one
Who learns how to play me
Pulling my strings
I'll never be that girl again.
The girl that bends
Sweetly at the waist
And takes it up the ass
You'll never know
Who's really in here
Never see the empty shell
I really thought you'd free
I really thought you'd be
But I, We were too much for you...
Your Mistake
Here it is.
Right in front of your face.
Your biggest mistake
Your biggest mistake
She stands there smiling
With wonder in her eyes
Your smug superiourity
Blinds you to your lies
How can you not see it
How can you not care
Missing her biggest moments
Cause you're too selfish to care.
Your mistake is not seeing
Just what you left behind
Your mistake is the underrating
The woman here inside.
There's more in me than the cowardace
You fought so fiercely to obtain
Now I'll show you the doorway
To face your deepest pain.
I'm tired of feeling worthless
I'm tired of being your scapegoat
It's time for me to unleash
The naked truth to rock your boat.
So now's the time to show all
Lay the cards out on the line
Time to show you all
That I'm really alive in here
Somehow
Somehow.......
Right in front of your face.
Your biggest mistake
Your biggest mistake
She stands there smiling
With wonder in her eyes
Your smug superiourity
Blinds you to your lies
How can you not see it
How can you not care
Missing her biggest moments
Cause you're too selfish to care.
Your mistake is not seeing
Just what you left behind
Your mistake is the underrating
The woman here inside.
There's more in me than the cowardace
You fought so fiercely to obtain
Now I'll show you the doorway
To face your deepest pain.
I'm tired of feeling worthless
I'm tired of being your scapegoat
It's time for me to unleash
The naked truth to rock your boat.
So now's the time to show all
Lay the cards out on the line
Time to show you all
That I'm really alive in here
Somehow
Somehow.......
Some People...
People like you astound me.
Ready to fight over the smallest things.
Creating arguments
Just for fun.
Thriving on the pain you create
With your lies
Blaming others for your own actions.
With nothing better to do with your time
Than to start trouble
For your betters
People that wouldn't,
Couldn't
Hurt others the way you do
One day,
You'll see
What a bitch
Karma can be.
Ready to fight over the smallest things.
Creating arguments
Just for fun.
Thriving on the pain you create
With your lies
Blaming others for your own actions.
With nothing better to do with your time
Than to start trouble
For your betters
People that wouldn't,
Couldn't
Hurt others the way you do
One day,
You'll see
What a bitch
Karma can be.
Momma's Rage
She stands there.
So much anger inside of her that
She knows is going to boil over
She knows
She knows when momma's mad,
She knows when momma's sad,
She knows when momma's anger
Her hate, is going to hurt her bad.
The first slap means nothing,
Just suprise upon her face.
Then the second blow is landed
But by then she already knows
She knows that momma loves her
She knows that she must have done wrong
She knows that when it's said and done,
Momma will hold her all night long.
But somewhere between the first slap
And the child bleeding on the floor.
She just became an object, not a Momma
Not at all.
She stands and watches and wonders why
She can't get up, She doesn't understand
She's already beyond the pain here,
She's free from Momma's rage.
So much anger inside of her that
She knows is going to boil over
She knows
She knows when momma's mad,
She knows when momma's sad,
She knows when momma's anger
Her hate, is going to hurt her bad.
The first slap means nothing,
Just suprise upon her face.
Then the second blow is landed
But by then she already knows
She knows that momma loves her
She knows that she must have done wrong
She knows that when it's said and done,
Momma will hold her all night long.
But somewhere between the first slap
And the child bleeding on the floor.
She just became an object, not a Momma
Not at all.
She stands and watches and wonders why
She can't get up, She doesn't understand
She's already beyond the pain here,
She's free from Momma's rage.
Hello?
I'm trying to forget you.
I'm trying to move on,
Just like you want me to.
I'm trying to regain my life.
I'm trying to start again,
I just don't understand why
You won't leave me the hell alone?
You call here almost daily
You ask me how we are
Like you give a shit about me at all
Like you really care about how I feel
I need you to just stop
Just leave us alone for a while
You wanted out
You got out,
Now you need to stay out
For a while
Till I can deal with you
Without hurting.
Without aching.
Just leave us be.
I'm trying to move on,
Just like you want me to.
I'm trying to regain my life.
I'm trying to start again,
I just don't understand why
You won't leave me the hell alone?
You call here almost daily
You ask me how we are
Like you give a shit about me at all
Like you really care about how I feel
I need you to just stop
Just leave us alone for a while
You wanted out
You got out,
Now you need to stay out
For a while
Till I can deal with you
Without hurting.
Without aching.
Just leave us be.
Empty
There’s nothing really in here.
Just an empty woman trying to refill
Trying to regain,
Trying to remain…
Sorta lost my footing here….
Fucked up an floundering…
Unable to find my own way.
Trying not to take the easy
Way just one more time.
You never really saw me
You never cared to look inside
Your innocent insults
Weren't something you could hide.
So where does someone like me go.
When everything else is gone.
Afraid to show what’s really in here…
Afraid to find out that I’m really
Just empty…
Just an empty woman trying to refill
Trying to regain,
Trying to remain…
Sorta lost my footing here….
Fucked up an floundering…
Unable to find my own way.
Trying not to take the easy
Way just one more time.
You never really saw me
You never cared to look inside
Your innocent insults
Weren't something you could hide.
So where does someone like me go.
When everything else is gone.
Afraid to show what’s really in here…
Afraid to find out that I’m really
Just empty…
You Asked
Tired
I've been up too long.
Sitting here staring at a screen
Looking for meaning
In a meaningless world
Calm
I'm calmly plotting
My next fuckup
My unbelievable belief
That what I know to be true
Has just undergone
A dramatic change
Lies
How can you even
Look me in the face?
When everything you
Ever stood for
Was nothing
But lip service.
Honor
As far as I'm concerned
You lack honor
Your complete lack
Of imagination
Of staying power
Endings
Thank you
For getting out
For running scared
From responsibility
From the truth
Why am I writing all this?You asked...Or maybe that was me...
I've been up too long.
Sitting here staring at a screen
Looking for meaning
In a meaningless world
Calm
I'm calmly plotting
My next fuckup
My unbelievable belief
That what I know to be true
Has just undergone
A dramatic change
Lies
How can you even
Look me in the face?
When everything you
Ever stood for
Was nothing
But lip service.
Honor
As far as I'm concerned
You lack honor
Your complete lack
Of imagination
Of staying power
Endings
Thank you
For getting out
For running scared
From responsibility
From the truth
Why am I writing all this?You asked...Or maybe that was me...
Couldn't I?
I could be a real bitch here.
I could really unleash
What's been building up
Inside of me
Since you left.
You're just like the last one
Just like little toy soldiers
You all line up to march
Out of my life
I could compare you two so closely
Cowards, the both of you
So much similarity
So much so that I could laugh
Same complaints
"You're impossible to live with"
"I didn't leave the kids, I left you"
"I don't care what you think I never have"
Sitting there trying to act tough
Like anything you say is going to hurt me
Anymore
My reply
"You were no ball of sunshine yourself"
"You left, that's all they see regardless of how
You'd like to rationalize your selfishness"
"And now I no longer care about your thoughts,
Your wants, your dictates. You no longer have power
Over me"
But for one moment, if you're thinking
That I'm going to make any of this even
Remotely easy for you
You're sadly mistaken.
You've decided that your freedom
Is more important than being
A real man.
One who sticks through the tough times
Willing to work to make it worth the effort
Willing to keep a real home for your child
Willing to live up to all the lies
That dripped from your lips like
The bullshit it turned out to be.
You had us all fooled.
Not just the three of us, but all those I love.
The people that treated you like more of a
Son than your own loved ones.
The people who are hurting right along
With we three
But your freedom was more important
The alcohol must have cleared it all up for you
Hanging with your unattached buddies must have
Made the path ahead of you look so much clearer
I could really be a bitch about this
Couldn't I?
I could really unleash
What's been building up
Inside of me
Since you left.
You're just like the last one
Just like little toy soldiers
You all line up to march
Out of my life
I could compare you two so closely
Cowards, the both of you
So much similarity
So much so that I could laugh
Same complaints
"You're impossible to live with"
"I didn't leave the kids, I left you"
"I don't care what you think I never have"
Sitting there trying to act tough
Like anything you say is going to hurt me
Anymore
My reply
"You were no ball of sunshine yourself"
"You left, that's all they see regardless of how
You'd like to rationalize your selfishness"
"And now I no longer care about your thoughts,
Your wants, your dictates. You no longer have power
Over me"
But for one moment, if you're thinking
That I'm going to make any of this even
Remotely easy for you
You're sadly mistaken.
You've decided that your freedom
Is more important than being
A real man.
One who sticks through the tough times
Willing to work to make it worth the effort
Willing to keep a real home for your child
Willing to live up to all the lies
That dripped from your lips like
The bullshit it turned out to be.
You had us all fooled.
Not just the three of us, but all those I love.
The people that treated you like more of a
Son than your own loved ones.
The people who are hurting right along
With we three
But your freedom was more important
The alcohol must have cleared it all up for you
Hanging with your unattached buddies must have
Made the path ahead of you look so much clearer
I could really be a bitch about this
Couldn't I?
When It All Falls Apart
Who do you turn to?
When no one even remembers your name?
Who do you turn to?
When all the fight’s gone out of your game?
The pain inside just never ends, nothing matters, no one can.
When all you crave comes much too late, when not even god will try to relate. This is the monster that I live to hide, and no one cares that it’s there inside.
When you push so hard you start to bleed, then you’ll know what’s inside of me.
How can you tell me you know how it feels, when you’ve never lived inside my skin.
How can you tell me you know how it is, when the thought of touching the ones you love make you want to cringe.
I invite you to step inside my hell. To take a step away from your safe little shell. And when you finally understand how I feel inside, You won’t ask yourself why I want to die.
My guts are twisted into knots, my skin crawling away. This is the monster that I live to hide and no one cares that it’s there inside.
When no one even remembers your name?
Who do you turn to?
When all the fight’s gone out of your game?
The pain inside just never ends, nothing matters, no one can.
When all you crave comes much too late, when not even god will try to relate. This is the monster that I live to hide, and no one cares that it’s there inside.
When you push so hard you start to bleed, then you’ll know what’s inside of me.
How can you tell me you know how it feels, when you’ve never lived inside my skin.
How can you tell me you know how it is, when the thought of touching the ones you love make you want to cringe.
I invite you to step inside my hell. To take a step away from your safe little shell. And when you finally understand how I feel inside, You won’t ask yourself why I want to die.
My guts are twisted into knots, my skin crawling away. This is the monster that I live to hide and no one cares that it’s there inside.
Hollow Inside...
So tired of always waiting.
I’m yearning for something better,
Something more than I deserve.
Something more that makes me
Ache inside
So tired of always waiting…
Waiting for you to see me
Waiting for you to hear me
Hiding my screams inside
I ache inside….
Feeling like my heart
Is being crushed underneath
Your boot.
You just look at me and
Leave... again.
You don't see
You don't want to see...
I'm already dead inside.
I'm already gone.
I'm just hollow...
Empty
Knowing that you'll
Never fill me again.
You'll never ache for me
I know you're done...
S0 just let me go... Tell me
Tell me it's over.
So I can move on...
I’m yearning for something better,
Something more than I deserve.
Something more that makes me
Ache inside
So tired of always waiting…
Waiting for you to see me
Waiting for you to hear me
Hiding my screams inside
I ache inside….
Feeling like my heart
Is being crushed underneath
Your boot.
You just look at me and
Leave... again.
You don't see
You don't want to see...
I'm already dead inside.
I'm already gone.
I'm just hollow...
Empty
Knowing that you'll
Never fill me again.
You'll never ache for me
I know you're done...
S0 just let me go... Tell me
Tell me it's over.
So I can move on...
It's Called Letting Go....
June 1, 2008
Its called letting go. It’s called moving on. You can tell yourself a thousand times that you have to let go of what’s hurt you in the past and move on with today. Live for tomorrow and all that shit… I guess I have trouble with moving on. I hold on to my hurts so hard sometimes that when I finally try to let go my fingers feel like they’ll be permanently clenched together. I guess that’s what I’m trying to do here. Let go of some shit and try to move on. I just don’t know where to start.
I talked to my sister last night and I told her about the white noise. Lately I seem to be wading through a pool of it. Just like I jumped into the snow on the television and I’m floating. I’m not processing anything. I’m just letting life go on without me. I can’t really remember when it started, but I know it’s been there for a long time. I realized recently that I don’t hear music inside me anymore. I don’t get joy out of it anymore.
I’ve been trying to tell myself that I’m not going to allow myself to be belittled anymore. That there’s nothing worthless about me. That I deserve to feel right inside. I’ve been told that I don’t do anything right for so long now that I don’t know what I’d do with myself if someone actually praised something I have done… yeah, I stopped using drugs, but hey, there really wasn’t a choice there. It was stop, loose your baby, or die. Gee, the choices…. So I stopped. I’ve been clean for three years, and I know I should feel more pride in it, but I don’t. I really think I’m loosing the ability to feel much of anything anymore.
I’m tired of the bitterness I carry inside of myself. I don’t want to be my mother someday. I don’t want to blame someone else for my insecurities. Can sit here and remember who I used to be, the things I used to love and how good it felt when I was younger and still comfortable inside of my own skin. I think one of the big things I have to do is forgive Joe. It’s one thing to say you forgive someone and actually do it. I don’t think I’ve done that, because I still dwell. I can honestly say I don’t love him anymore, but I still live there in my head sometimes because the way he looked at me and made me feel inside is still inside my head. He took away everything I liked about myself and made feel like I was wrong. I wasn’t supposed to be happy. I wasn’t supposed to enjoy the things that brought me peace. I guess when someone knocks you down enough, you start believing the lie because it’s so much easier to leave all the pieces where they are than to pick them back up and try to glue yourself together again. I don’t have the patience anymore to try to pick up all the old pieces of myself. I need to find out who I am now instead of piece someone back together that I can never be again.
Its called letting go. It’s called moving on. You can tell yourself a thousand times that you have to let go of what’s hurt you in the past and move on with today. Live for tomorrow and all that shit… I guess I have trouble with moving on. I hold on to my hurts so hard sometimes that when I finally try to let go my fingers feel like they’ll be permanently clenched together. I guess that’s what I’m trying to do here. Let go of some shit and try to move on. I just don’t know where to start.
I talked to my sister last night and I told her about the white noise. Lately I seem to be wading through a pool of it. Just like I jumped into the snow on the television and I’m floating. I’m not processing anything. I’m just letting life go on without me. I can’t really remember when it started, but I know it’s been there for a long time. I realized recently that I don’t hear music inside me anymore. I don’t get joy out of it anymore.
I’ve been trying to tell myself that I’m not going to allow myself to be belittled anymore. That there’s nothing worthless about me. That I deserve to feel right inside. I’ve been told that I don’t do anything right for so long now that I don’t know what I’d do with myself if someone actually praised something I have done… yeah, I stopped using drugs, but hey, there really wasn’t a choice there. It was stop, loose your baby, or die. Gee, the choices…. So I stopped. I’ve been clean for three years, and I know I should feel more pride in it, but I don’t. I really think I’m loosing the ability to feel much of anything anymore.
I’m tired of the bitterness I carry inside of myself. I don’t want to be my mother someday. I don’t want to blame someone else for my insecurities. Can sit here and remember who I used to be, the things I used to love and how good it felt when I was younger and still comfortable inside of my own skin. I think one of the big things I have to do is forgive Joe. It’s one thing to say you forgive someone and actually do it. I don’t think I’ve done that, because I still dwell. I can honestly say I don’t love him anymore, but I still live there in my head sometimes because the way he looked at me and made me feel inside is still inside my head. He took away everything I liked about myself and made feel like I was wrong. I wasn’t supposed to be happy. I wasn’t supposed to enjoy the things that brought me peace. I guess when someone knocks you down enough, you start believing the lie because it’s so much easier to leave all the pieces where they are than to pick them back up and try to glue yourself together again. I don’t have the patience anymore to try to pick up all the old pieces of myself. I need to find out who I am now instead of piece someone back together that I can never be again.
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