Fucking Up

It's pretty sad to see

How fucked up I've become

To see how much I've let others

Suffer in my stead

Without understanding

Without realizing that I wasn't

Just hurting myself,

But everyone around me

As well

The problem is that I kept my mouth

Shut too long

Dealt with my issues in my own way

In secret

So that I didn't have to lose

Everyone that mattered to me.

But I lost them anyway

I'm just getting started you see

Just starting to understand

How it's really supposed to be

It's funny how life throws you

Certain curve balls

Certain situations that you

Have to make right or lose

It all

They'll see

They'll all see

That their disgust and abandonment

Came a little too late this time.

Breanne Elizebeth McGowan

Is Dead…

Who the person inside her shell

Is someone in the making…

My Reckoning

So what am I?

Another kind of lie

What have I begun?

Another chance

To fly or die

All I have

All I’ve been

Got lost again

In the heroin

Clawing my way back out

A moment at a time

While I cover up the scars

And defy my destructiveness

Tearing out my reason

Right along with most of

My soul

So many handfuls of heartache

They’ve buried me alive

All I have

All I’ve been

Getting lost

Lost in the heroin

Just like a cyclone

Just like the tide

Just let me go

Just let me die

All that I have

All that I’ve been

I have begun my reckoning

All that I was

And all I will be

I beg of you

Deliver me

Phantoms in the night

Torment the demons in my mind

They scream

They beg

They ache

They bleed

They try to undo

What little is left

To what is me.

Hello??

I'm a paper doll.
I'm ripping at the seams...
Trying desperately to
Pull together
All the pieces
I've lost
Along the way...

I say hello...
And hear the
Screaming
In the silence...
Of the dial tone...

Right to Judge (originally posted on facebook)

I don't know about the rest of you, but i'm so tired of people that think they're better than the rest of us. Yesterday, a 10 year old sweet little girl mistakenly posted that she was happy and laughing all the time on my page instead of her own and I was attacked by two people who have no right whatsoever to do so.


First would be my uncle, David Richards of Manchester, NH. You go, you're sober now, but you spent the better part of your life doing more drugs than I can name and drank every day. but we should all forget the time you spent a drunk degenerate, pissing in your sock drawer. I don't have a single memory of you before the age of 25 that you were anything but drunk. But yeah, i know... i'm sooo much worse than you ever were and you have the right to judge me...



Second would be my cousin Kari Hampson of Hooksett, NH. Have a little vino why don't we? Let's just hop right on the pretentiousness highway. Wasn't that long ago you were having issues with Benzodiazapine... and weren't you told by the family that you could spend time in rehab or loose your kids? Not once when you called me were you doing anything but sitting in your basement drinking and popping mommy's helper.



No, I'm not perfect. I am an addict and because of my choices, I have lost my children for the present. I am in treatment for my addiction and I've been clean for over a month now. I'm also signed up to start attending parenting classes for when I go to get them back. My eldest daughter is understandably upset with me. I know i at least have the love of my youngest who's face lights with excitement every time i see her.



I have made many mistakes in my life. So many I can't even begin to list them all here. My only regret is the hurt I have caused in my childrens lives. Hurt that I plan to spend the rest of my life making up for. My depression and my unwillingness to deal with my problems like a big girl instead of medicating my way through the hard times have spilled over onto my children and if I am ever lucky enough to earn they're forgiveness I will be forever greatful.

Through the mistakes I have learned one major lesson. Life is too short. You take for granted the good that you have until you wake up one day and find it all gone. I have lost my whole family due to the physical and medical problems that I have. And although my father is very sick and doesn't deserve to be bashed on facebook by people like the two mentioned above, I DID NOT WILLINGLY LEAVE MY CHILDREN and i am not staying away from my eldest by choice. I've been told by my mother that it would be better for her if i were to step back for now. I have forgiven my father for the wrong done in my past, and if being compared to him means I am even a tenth of the amazingly compassionate and loving person that he is, then I am honored.

Thank you for reading all the way through this novel... :)


Bre McGowan

Disappointment...

All my life I've had this secret dream
That one day I'd be able to come to you
And say "look, see the success I've become."
And you'd look at me with tears in your eyes
And tell me that you're proud of me.
That I'm not a failure.
That I'm not such a disappointment
To you.

What you said to me still haunts the
Hell out of me.
Throwing those words out there that
You can't take back
And you walked away with my heart
Stuck to the bottom of your shoe

It will take time
But I'll get there...
I'll find a way to make my
Life into something.
And when I do
Don't bother with the words
I know I'll never hear from you.
They won't mean a thing to me

Not anymore.

Where Does It Go?

Where do dreams go
When they don't come to fruitiion?
Do they stay teathered to you
Like demon's that haunt you
In the night...


They claw at me like
A rabid beast
Alive inside me trying
To tear me into
Even more pieces
Than I already hold
Inside...


I've never been very good
At puzzles... and I...
The glue isn't holding me
Together anymore...

Rumors, Innuendo, and Other Such Bull~Shit...

I'm getting very tired
So very tired of all the
Rumors that float
On my breeze
Like birds in flight
Going everywhere
But nowhere.

So fucking tired
Of feeling you all 
Branding me
With your white hot
Irons that wrap themselves
Around my heart
Like the magnifying glass
That I've been under for so long
Has finally set me ablaze.

So what am I today?
Fat slut?
Pill-popper?
Pincushion?
Think what you will
I've given up on caring
About anyone's opinion but
My own...

I'm just tired of dealing
With people who's lies
Drip sweetly from their lips
Like the blood from the pound
Of flesh they've taken from me.

If you've got a problem with me
Or the way I'm trying to
Live Again..
Then by all means...
Post your response after
The Beep....
...
...

High School Games...

I graduated in 1998.
I left school without looking back
Without a pause and with the certainty
That all the B.S. that I used to deal with
Was all behind me.


So why do I feel like 12 years later
I'm right fucking back there.
I'm sitting in Mr. Pangburn's 2nd Period
Social Studies Class and I'm hearing
The rumor's that were neatly
Told directly behind my back
If possible.


I'd just like to let you all know
I'M NOT FUCKING PLAYING
YOUR HIGH SCHOOL GAMES
Not anymore.
This he said, she said shit
Is really getting old.
How old are you???


I'm trying to line the pieces up.
Trying to make my life what I
Want it to be.
Not what you think it should be.


You seem to forget that I'm
No longer under your control.
Not that I ever was.
It's my turn now.
My turn to finally find who and what
I am.
To finally see...
Who I'm meant to be.


So I guess I'm trying to say...
I left high schoo behind 12 years.
And I refuse to look back.

Depressed

They say that I’m depressed. They say that inside of me
I’m wrong
I’m broken
I’m bruised
And they wonder why.


They put me in the spotlight
They say look at her
While they hide their knuckles
Behind their backs


Their words are double intended
While their lies
Drip sweetly
From their lips