A Little Religion...

I have no faith
I have nothing here inside
I have nothing guiding my steps or
Working behind the scene's to fix
All that I worked so hard to
Fuck up in the first place.

Somedays, I sit here and ask myself
How is it that you are right in your belief
And I am so wrong?
If you are the poster child
For Christianity today,
Count me out.

For someone that is so in touch with the Lord,
You single handedly destroyed any faith I had in me.
With your overzealous criticizm's in the name of
Yet another broken soul.

I will never understand you.
You never wanted me to be a part of his life
For me...You've killed not one father...
But two.

Just Another Crazy Bitch

Yeah, that's me alright....
Just another crazy bitch
Trying to shovel her way
Out of yet another hole
I dug myself.

Just a crazy fucking bitch.
Someone who fights
For all the wrong reasons
Unable, unwilling to find a
Cause.

Just another crazy moment.
Feels like I'm on fire.
Some of the things I've been
Told lately...

I'm not the type of girl a guy
Wants to bring home to his momma...
I'm the type you fuck and forget.
Just another crazy bitch.
That's me.

Just another crazy bitch
Whatta self esteem booster...

Hiding

When I was a little girl
I used to hide in closets.
Looking for treasures
I had yet to discover.

Years later, I feel like
I live inside of one.
One that I made
Just for me
While trying desperately
To find the me I lost
Along the way here...

When I was young
I believed with all my heart
I'd be rescued by my prince
A man who'd love only me
One who wanted only
My happiness.

Today I know that
All of my dreams were
Lies.
Stories I told myself to
Keep my guts from
Pouring out of me.
To keep me from learning
The truth about love.
That those you give yourself to
Love you too much, but not enough...

When I was a little girl,
When I was still innocent...
Was I ever innocent?

All the drugs, all the men, all the "love"
That this world has to offer means
Absolutely nothing to me anymore.
Because I feel like I'm just
Hiding... here in my closet.
So lost in yesterdays and could have beens
That I can't find my way back out.

And there's no one looking for me...
Not anymore.

Unfinished

I'm not whole.
Not who I thought I was.
I feel like I've been ripped apart
Chewed up and spit out and
Left stuck to the bottom of your boot.
Right where you always wanted me.

I'm dead inside.
I care only for my loved ones.
But even they know.
I'm not really in here.
Inside this shell.
Inside this hell.

I'm wondering...
Will I be able to put the
Pieces back together?
In time to
Save myself?

Cuz no one will do it for me.
No one wants to be a part of me...
I'm done with the begging..
I'm done with the pleading.
I'm done revealing just how
Broken I am inside.
It still feels like there's
Something unfinished.
A apart of all this that
Isn't done.
But I am...

Confusion

I just finished reading.
Finished reading letters.
Letters from loved ones.
Loved ones that wrote to me
Almost 5 years ago.
When I locked myself away.
So I could heal.


Today's his Birthday.
I won't forget that.
We spent 10 of his birthdays
Together.
But I'll also rememeber
The situation that got me
Where I am today.


But in reading those letters from him
I have to say that I'm a little shaken right now.
I had someone who loved me without reservation.. without pause.
Someone who would have killed himself should I have asked for it.
And now when I'm sitting here mourning the loss of someone else,
Someone who obviously wants nothing to do with me anymore.
Who cringes when I touch him. Who refuses to try to fix all
That went wrong.

Two sides of a coin these two.
One who knew me inside and out and one who only
Pretended to want to.
One who knew how to be a man for his family
One who was too wrapped up in his own hell to
Make it right.
One who used his fists in anger at times
One who made me feel safe.
One who I had to stop loving for the
Sake of myself and my child...
One who's love I crave like I've never
Craved before.

I could go on and on.
There is honestly no
Comparison between the two,
But you know what?
I can't tell you why I can't
Stop thinking about the both of them.
I have one who I could work things out with if
I stopped living in reality
And I have the other...
Who claims to love me so much
That he hates me.

But I wouldn't trade all this pain,
For anything... I've learned so much from
All this. I know I can survive
Loosing so much.
But I'm still fucked up and floundering.
Which is what I'm used to.
But I'm tired
So tired of feeling like this.

Whaat's Wrong Here???

So here I sit.
One more night
Spent alone.
I'm tired.
Tired of feeling like
There's something wrong
Inside me.
Something Broken.
Something living my life
For me.
I sit here alone
With the guilt I
Carry inside me.
It feels like a living
Breathing thing.
It's like I'm followed
By a snarling, angry beast
That I can't train to
Behave.
So who do I have to be now?
When everything else has gone
Away?
I just checked the time
And I realized...
It's about half-past
Give a shit.

Letter to an Unknown Soldier....

Inconsequential things…
The way you laughed,
The way you’d sigh
The way you’d smile.
I’ll remember it all.
The way you’d jump to make right
Any injustice you saw.
Seemed only right
Somehow…
So off you went to fight.
You went into hell
You went into the fire
You fearlessly fought
For another man’s desire
You tried to make right,
What wasn’t right from the start…

So goodbye soldier
Goodbye daddy to be
Goodbye eyes
That only saw good in me.
Goodbye shoulders
So strong So brave
Goodbye to one more hero
Too young for the grave.
It just isn’t fair
That you’ll never hold your daughter
She’ll know you only by photo’s
By my memoriesAnd the dog tag’s
They sent back home…
Laying somewhere a million miles away
Never to look into the eyes,
So much like your own…
So much like your own.
And this is the injustice
You can’t fight at all…

Now you can’t fight at all…

Never Enough...

Where does it end?
I’m so tired of feeling like
I’m not really in here…
Like my skin’s too tight to hold me in and
I’m just going to come pouring out at any moment…
You see, in many ways,
I’m still there.
Still finding solace in the slender vial of heroin.
Pushing the pain away and plunging myself further into heartache….
Where does it end?This incessant waiting for the day that
I stop craving.
The day I finally come back to myself, l
Lke a prisoner finally set free.
Like nothing I do really matters in the long run…
I was supposed to matter.
I was supposed to be the someone everyone talked about.
The someone little girls wished they’d grow up to be just like
And now I’m not even proud of me
Now I just wish I’d disappear…
How to other people overcome this?
I haven’t touched heroin in almost five years
Others call that an achievement,
I just call it cowardiceI’m just afraid of what
I’ll become if I slip back into oblivion…
Damn it, I wanted to be proud.
Wanted my girls, the only ones who matter,
To look up at me and be proud of something other
Than my ability to abstain from the drug
I wanted to be their heroine..
But all I am is lost.
All I am is me,
Not enough for anyone…

Your Favorite Scapegoat

Somewhere lies the child
I never got to be.
Somewhere hides the darkness
Just waiting to be free
Just like a cancer
I've killed it all
All that’s good in me
Where I’ve been
What I’ve done
Who I’ve had to be
Just lies, all lies
All there is to me
Burrow deeper under the skin
I’ll never be clean
It sits there on the surface
It’s all that anyone sees.
No matter how hard I scream
No matter how red I bleed
All that you ever cared to see
Is what you tried to make of me
Always so damn wrong.
Always the one at fault
Always your favorite scapegoat
Always your favorite scapegoat

The Pursuit of Happiness...

I'm as empty as a woman can get.
All tied up, fucked up inside
Anger blinding me to the truth
Your scathing superiority,
Your trigger, my gun
I feel it burning in me all the time...
The rage I can't set free
The lies that compound me
The lies that compel me
To do something
I must avoid
I try to be un-caring
I try to just ignore
I try make you understand
With the silence in my words.
I need to release this anger
Somewhere
Somehow
I need to make you understand
You've killed my every single vow.
Your hipocracy astounds me
Your not anyone I know
I hope you find the happiness
You've killed me to obtain.