High School Games...

I graduated in 1998.
I left school without looking back
Without a pause and with the certainty
That all the B.S. that I used to deal with
Was all behind me.


So why do I feel like 12 years later
I'm right fucking back there.
I'm sitting in Mr. Pangburn's 2nd Period
Social Studies Class and I'm hearing
The rumor's that were neatly
Told directly behind my back
If possible.


I'd just like to let you all know
I'M NOT FUCKING PLAYING
YOUR HIGH SCHOOL GAMES
Not anymore.
This he said, she said shit
Is really getting old.
How old are you???


I'm trying to line the pieces up.
Trying to make my life what I
Want it to be.
Not what you think it should be.


You seem to forget that I'm
No longer under your control.
Not that I ever was.
It's my turn now.
My turn to finally find who and what
I am.
To finally see...
Who I'm meant to be.


So I guess I'm trying to say...
I left high schoo behind 12 years.
And I refuse to look back.

Depressed

They say that I’m depressed. They say that inside of me
I’m wrong
I’m broken
I’m bruised
And they wonder why.


They put me in the spotlight
They say look at her
While they hide their knuckles
Behind their backs


Their words are double intended
While their lies
Drip sweetly
From their lips

Dear Momma

Hello there mom, can you hear me?
I’m already on my way…
I’m sorry daddy I know you don’t
Wanna hear the words I’ll say…

I’ve messed it up again…
Just didn’t work out some how…
So here I am and I’m on my way
I’m ready to lay it out

I guess I’m broken inside
Way deep down where it counts
And nothing I try ever takes the time
And I’m saying please just count me out…

I’m falling down
The rabbit hole
Going back to where you go
When you know you can’t go home.

I’ve burned it down
And now I’m choking on the ashes
Of a life that never made me proud
I guess it’s over…. Count me out.

So hey there mom… I love you so
I’m sorry this call came much too late
To save me from myself
To save me for myself

I’m falling down
The rabbit hole
Trying not to land face down
Going back to where you go
When you know you can’t go home…
When you know you can’t go home…

Mark

I'm so tired...
Tired of losing those I love
Tired of being misunderstood.
Tired of it all.

He was so good to me
He'd call and shoot the shit
With me and we seemed to
Click

I can't seem to stop thinking of him.
Especially when the phone rings and
It's not him on the line.
The pain, the agony he faced daily
And he'd laugh. 
He'd find joy in his family

Years of pain never seemed to dull
The spirit of the man.
I wasn't able, due to the circumstances,
To come see you and tell you that I
Loved you before you left.

I guess this is my ode to you...
The only way I can say goodbye.
I won't be allowed at your services,
But I will be there in spirit.

Watching from the outside in...
There is one thing that showed
Just how much you were loved...
I watched your family.  I saw
The way they loved you...

Very simply... I'd like to say that I love you.
You will be greatly missed.

A Little Religion...

I have no faith
I have nothing here inside
I have nothing guiding my steps or
Working behind the scene's to fix
All that I worked so hard to
Fuck up in the first place.

Somedays, I sit here and ask myself
How is it that you are right in your belief
And I am so wrong?
If you are the poster child
For Christianity today,
Count me out.

For someone that is so in touch with the Lord,
You single handedly destroyed any faith I had in me.
With your overzealous criticizm's in the name of
Yet another broken soul.

I will never understand you.
You never wanted me to be a part of his life
For me...You've killed not one father...
But two.

Just Another Crazy Bitch

Yeah, that's me alright....
Just another crazy bitch
Trying to shovel her way
Out of yet another hole
I dug myself.

Just a crazy fucking bitch.
Someone who fights
For all the wrong reasons
Unable, unwilling to find a
Cause.

Just another crazy moment.
Feels like I'm on fire.
Some of the things I've been
Told lately...

I'm not the type of girl a guy
Wants to bring home to his momma...
I'm the type you fuck and forget.
Just another crazy bitch.
That's me.

Just another crazy bitch
Whatta self esteem booster...

Hiding

When I was a little girl
I used to hide in closets.
Looking for treasures
I had yet to discover.

Years later, I feel like
I live inside of one.
One that I made
Just for me
While trying desperately
To find the me I lost
Along the way here...

When I was young
I believed with all my heart
I'd be rescued by my prince
A man who'd love only me
One who wanted only
My happiness.

Today I know that
All of my dreams were
Lies.
Stories I told myself to
Keep my guts from
Pouring out of me.
To keep me from learning
The truth about love.
That those you give yourself to
Love you too much, but not enough...

When I was a little girl,
When I was still innocent...
Was I ever innocent?

All the drugs, all the men, all the "love"
That this world has to offer means
Absolutely nothing to me anymore.
Because I feel like I'm just
Hiding... here in my closet.
So lost in yesterdays and could have beens
That I can't find my way back out.

And there's no one looking for me...
Not anymore.

Unfinished

I'm not whole.
Not who I thought I was.
I feel like I've been ripped apart
Chewed up and spit out and
Left stuck to the bottom of your boot.
Right where you always wanted me.

I'm dead inside.
I care only for my loved ones.
But even they know.
I'm not really in here.
Inside this shell.
Inside this hell.

I'm wondering...
Will I be able to put the
Pieces back together?
In time to
Save myself?

Cuz no one will do it for me.
No one wants to be a part of me...
I'm done with the begging..
I'm done with the pleading.
I'm done revealing just how
Broken I am inside.
It still feels like there's
Something unfinished.
A apart of all this that
Isn't done.
But I am...

Confusion

I just finished reading.
Finished reading letters.
Letters from loved ones.
Loved ones that wrote to me
Almost 5 years ago.
When I locked myself away.
So I could heal.


Today's his Birthday.
I won't forget that.
We spent 10 of his birthdays
Together.
But I'll also rememeber
The situation that got me
Where I am today.


But in reading those letters from him
I have to say that I'm a little shaken right now.
I had someone who loved me without reservation.. without pause.
Someone who would have killed himself should I have asked for it.
And now when I'm sitting here mourning the loss of someone else,
Someone who obviously wants nothing to do with me anymore.
Who cringes when I touch him. Who refuses to try to fix all
That went wrong.

Two sides of a coin these two.
One who knew me inside and out and one who only
Pretended to want to.
One who knew how to be a man for his family
One who was too wrapped up in his own hell to
Make it right.
One who used his fists in anger at times
One who made me feel safe.
One who I had to stop loving for the
Sake of myself and my child...
One who's love I crave like I've never
Craved before.

I could go on and on.
There is honestly no
Comparison between the two,
But you know what?
I can't tell you why I can't
Stop thinking about the both of them.
I have one who I could work things out with if
I stopped living in reality
And I have the other...
Who claims to love me so much
That he hates me.

But I wouldn't trade all this pain,
For anything... I've learned so much from
All this. I know I can survive
Loosing so much.
But I'm still fucked up and floundering.
Which is what I'm used to.
But I'm tired
So tired of feeling like this.